Chinook
by George Hosier II - March 7, 2007

Clean Air

For your own safety, please sit down before you read any further. I am about to break the story of the century! I look forward to humbly accepting the Pulitzer Prize, for uncovering a tale of tyranny and bureaucratic corruption that will make your blood run cold. Are you ready? Here it is: wood stoves in the Fairbanks North Star Borough are about to be outlawed! That’s right. I was first tipped off to this situation by my neighbor’s best friend’s uncle’s cousin’s girlfriend’s ex-aerobics instructor who overheard a sinister conversation as he was regaining consciousness after passing out drunk under a table in a Fairbanks bar.
 
As the alcohol oozed slowly from his brain, he became aware of the fact that he was staring at two pairs of polished wingtip shoes. That immediately struck him as suspicious, because anybody who wears wingtips in Fairbanks in December is a salesman, a preacher or a Fed. He kept quiet and strained to listen. Sure enough, he could make out the words that the owners of the wingtips murmured over a couple of fuzzy navels, unaware of my source lying in a pool of vomit at their feet. Gradually, my source was able to piece together the sordid facts that some outfit called the In-vitro Mental Perdition Agency is accusing Fairbanks of having an air pollution problem.

Being the respected and conscientious journalist that I am, I always like to verify everything before I publish it, so I asked a scholar named Orson “Crack-head” Stambaugh to do a little research for me. I play Parcheesi with him on Sunday nights and he’s really smart. In fact, I have never yet beaten him at a game of Parcheesi. He has some amazing theories about the origin of the universe, which I can’t understand, of course, but which seem to have something to do with silly putty, a lava lamp, and a baggie of weed. He says he got his nickname when he was studying at Harvard Law School. Unfortunately they kicked him out just when he was about to graduate, because they were jealous of his talent. When he tried to protest, somebody cracked his head for him. That’s how he says he got his nickname, and I have no reason to doubt him.

Anyway, he charged me a nominal fee to research the subject. I hated to pawn my best hunting rifle and my wife’s car to pay the fee, but knowledge is power, and Orson has always delivered. He didn’t fail me this time either. He disappeared for three days and when he returned, he seemed to be really happy to have found what I needed. In fact he was trembling and breathing fast, and his pupils were dilated with excitement. Using his legendary research skills, he had been able to uncover a story from the archives of the Daily News-Miner, from way back on December 18, 2006, by Tim Mowry. As he delivered the document into my hand, I felt the goosebumps running down my back. I was holding a piece of history, but more than that, I was in possession of evidence of a diabolical plot that was about to be foisted upon the unsuspecting residents of Interior Alaska. I uncrumpled the printout to read what he had for me. It was only a fragment, really, but enough remained to confirm the rumor.

The fragment read,

...The EPA in September lowered its exceedence point for PM-2.5, a fine particulate produced by burning wood, oil, gasoline and diesel fuel, from 65 to 35 micrograms per cubic meter over a 24-hour period.
According to borough statistics, Fairbanks’ daily particulate level has exceeded 35 micrograms 29 days this calendar year — 15 in January, two in February, nine in November and three so far in December. Last year, there were 25 days the particulate level would have exceeded the new limit...

I’m not a scientist or anything, but between all the fancy words and numbers it was chillingly clear that my information was accurate. The wheels have been set in motion to confiscate our wood stoves!

This causes me great distress. All summer long, millions of acres of forest all over the state are being reduced to a fine ash that permeates everything including the inside of your lungs. Visibility drops to approximately 3.5 centimeters from the end of your nose. Yet that is evidently considered acceptable because it is a natural event. However, when a meager remnant of Alaskans participate in the conservationally-responsible practice of heating their homes with wood, it is classified as air pollution.

Maybe I’m missing something here, but if we didn’t die from the forest fire smoke and ash sandblasting our alveoli and filling our sinuses with thick gray mud, I think we might be able to bravely carry on in the face of “35 micrograms of PM-2.5 per cubic meter over a 24-hour period”, whatever that means! I think the EPA number crunchers must have gotten a little overly enthusiastic when they were playing with their fancy calculators. How exactly do you determine that 35 micrograms are unacceptable, but 34.999999 micrograms are just fine?

Another thing: I don’t believe these clever chaps have a working comprehension of the Alaskan climate. Look at that quote again. PM-2.5 is described as “a fine particulate produced by burning wood, oil, gasoline and diesel fuel.” Now let’s look at another quote: “According to borough statistics, Fairbanks’ daily particulate level has exceeded 35 micrograms 29 days this calendar year — 15 in January, two in February, nine in November and three so far in December.”

Now if you’ve lived in Alaska for longer than a summer, little lights are already starting to flash in your brain, and bells and whistles are sounding. Gather around, form a circle, join hands and say it together: “ICE FOG.” It’s a no-brainer. Perhaps I’m being too harsh. Not everybody is a crack investigative journalist like me, but try to analyze the clues. We have vehicle exhaust, increased fuel oil and wood consumption, and the coldest part of the winter. It becomes obvious real quick that the culprit is not too many wood stoves, but too much Alaskan weather. Wait a minute! Isn’t that another “natural event”?

35 micrograms of PM-2.5 per cubic meter over a 24-hour period in Los Angeles in June, equates proportionately to about a sextillion times more fine particulates than the same reading in Fairbanks in January during a cold snap. They should take their Alaskan readings about 50 feet above the ground to get past the cold pocket that is trapping every raven burp. If they did that, I bet their instruments wouldn’t register a single nasty PM-2.5.

To be charitable, we should assume that the EPA folks sincerely believe that they are looking out for our best interests. After all, don’t we all want to stay healthy? Setting aside the reality that I and my family and hundreds of other Alaskans have been safely and responsibly burning wood all their life, let’s imagine that everybody agrees that PM-2.5’s are evil and should be banned. There’s no point in being wishy-washy about it. If something is evil, exterminate it. Don’t even leave a little bit hanging around. Why not completely outlaw PM-2.5s in the manner of all the other dangerous stuff like three-wheelers and asbestos and Freon and the original Pop-rocks?

Now we have a problem. To eliminate PM-2.5s we have to eliminate all PM-2.5 producing devices. Internal combustion engines need to go. I guess we had better put some low-temperature lube on our bicycle chains, stud the rear tire, and replace the front tire with a ski. Then we rip out all our wood, coal, and hydrocarbon burning home heating units. Now how are we supposed to stay warm in the winter? Ah, I know! Electric heat. Oops. How do we produce that? We can’t have generators that burn fossil fuels. Solar? In Alaska in the winter? I guess that won’t work. You need a sun for solar. Hydro? In Alaska in the winter? You need running water for that. Wind? There’s no wind turbine made that could handle the punishment it would receive in places like Delta Junction.

So where does that leave us? Nuclear! I’ve got it! Nuclear power! Why didn’t I think of that before? That will fix it, then we’ll all be safe from the frightening health hazards of wood smoke and idling automobiles. Thank you, EPA, for forcing us to take a critical look at our destructive lifestyle and leading us firmly but lovingly on the road to ecological health.

But enough of the hypothetical scenario. They aren’t going to outlaw PM-2.5s--just wood stoves. I think the bottom line is that EPA types view wood stove users as unsophisticated. Well that’s where they’re obviously wrong. You couldn’t get a more sophisticated guy than me and my buddy Crack-head. In fact, Crack-head is going to bring me documentation that Elvis is skippering a halibut boat out of Valdez. I had to sell my home to advance him the first payment, but I don’t mind. Once wood stoves are outlawed, I won’t be able to heat it anyway.
 

Index of Chinook Articles