Zapped I’m glad winter is winding down. Maybe now I can get the frizz to relax from my hair and I can grow my charred eyebrows back. If I’m lucky, the third degree burns on my fingertips might start to scar over. However, even if I’m destined to look like this the rest of my life, it will still be an immense relief to get a few months’ respite from the damage inflicted by the static electricity that lurks, quivering, in Interior Alaska’s winter air.
Static electricity costs me a lot of money each year. For example, I just replaced my alarm clock. That became necessary as a result of me zapping my previous alarm clock not too long ago. My wife had gone to bed before me, so I was trying not to wake her. Wearing my synthetic fur pink bunny slippers I shuffled across the carpet to my nightstand and slid my alarm clock button on–at least that was my intention. What actually happened was that as soon as my finger contacted the top of my alarm clock, a bolt of lightning engulfed my right arm, detonating a thermonuclear explosion somewhere in the vicinity of my right ventricle!
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